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trump…Donald Trump was an ISIS recruiter? Obviously he isn’t one. His hair will not allow him to be. However, he was recently used in a recruitment video by the Islamic extremist group Al-Shabab so the idea is hard to pass up.

I know Al-Shabab and ISIS are not really affiliated with each other but they do share a lot of the same ideas. Both groups are religious extremists. Both want to live life as if it is still the 7th century. Both use violence and fear to get what they want. Both want to impose Sharia Law to its fullest extant. So Trump could honestly be a recruiter for either group but we will use ISIS.

Now, I am no Trump expert simply because I block out most of what he says but below is how I would envision an ISIS recruiting Trump.

Donald Trump did not grow up Muslim. In fact, he never liked them. He remember the stories his granddad would tell of America. In those times, the streets were paved with gold. You could leave your house with the doors and windows unlocked for a week and all of your things would be left intact. The grass was always green and there were no natural disasters. Everyone was friendly, respectable, and God-fearing Christians. Women knew their place was in the house and she lived to keep her man happy. Men went to work hard to put bread on the table and were in charge of all the big decisions. Businesses could run without any interference and the government stayed out of everyone’s lives. When America had to fight a war, it always kicked ass! It was the best place you could live!

Then immigrants came along. Minorities began to forget their place and wanted equal opportunities. Women began bringing bread home. The poor wouldn’t get off their butts and go to work. Instead they wanted handouts! Then Muslims came to bomb America! And what does the government do? It cut military spending and tried to raise taxes on everyone! It allowed immigrants to be “American” and gave away jobs! Increasing crime meant that the street were now paved with lead! It was a disaster! America was no longer great!

Trump vowed that one day, he will make America great again!

He spent many days devising strategies to accomplish his goal. Some had promise but most ideas were dead-ends. He knew that if he could rid America of its parasites, then America could grow and grow and grow into a beautiful blossoming tree! But how?

Then, like a glorious light, the answer appeared before him: ISIS! He has heard about the Islamist extremist group before but he never cared for them. They were not American. What caught his attention is how ISIS recruits people from other countries. He noticed that if people got really angry with their country, they would leave and go join ISIS. That would increase the probability that they would be bombed. A solution had been found. He would need to run for the most powerful position in America.

He first tested the water by poking fun at women. Who he deemed as true Americans loved it! Others, he concluded, would not be fit to live in the restored America. It was time to up the ante. He found ways to frustrate, anger, irritate, and annoy anyone he wanted to join ISIS: liberals, blacks, non-Christians, immigrants of all backgrounds, feminists, and “rational” people.

The plan was beginning to work! True Americans lauded him. Non-believers criticized him. It did not matter what the nay-sayers said. Trump knew that they would become radicalized and leave the country. At the same time, ISIS was watching. They could not believe that a pale man with floppy hair wanted to send them more people to fight against his nation. They sent telegram him a telegram informing Trump that he is now their top recruiter in America. Trump was a little surprised. Not that he was named a top recruiter but that he received a telegram. He did not know the technology existed in the desert. He graciously accepted title and in return he sent footage of his presidential campaign to used anyway they see fit.

Now that he has his critics roused, he knows all he has to do is to win the election which would trigger a mass exodus of non-true Americans to leave America. Only then, while he is president, he could curb the government’s power, cut taxes on all, paint the roads gold again, and return America to the good ol’ days! And to protect America, he will increase military spending. He will have drones block out the sun in the Middle East with him as the supreme drone operator! America will once again be the greatest nation on the planet!


It is a good thing most Americans are not as crazy as he and his supporters.